Lessons learned on a nude beach in Romania

I kinda feel like I'm hitting my head against a wall. Over and over. Except I'm not. That would require effort and I feel like I'm not doing anything at all!
I have a belief that I can be gainfully employed in doing the work I care about. I felt great guidance and direction (despite fear) pull me back into film last fall--and almost immediately was hired to work on a project that pushed me and grew me and blessed me financially. Since it ended however I have been looking for work in my field and have gotten to a point of (what feels like) dire discouragement. I had the thought to share this story a week or so ago, and so even if I am late, I am hoping that it will provide a little hope or clarity for me as I write it out.
 In Leslie Householder's FTMP program she tells the story of finding her daughter in the pool. (You can read about it here: http://www.positivethinkingtips.org/the-truth-about-failure-how-to-prosper-anyway/) She wasn't breathing and Leslie kept trying different things to get her to breathe. The outcome--that her daughter survive--was crucial and without question in her mind. To Leslie, there was no other alternative. And so when she tried something that didn't work, there wasn't time to worry about the failure, or to feel badly and judgmental about herself for trying something dumb or ineffective. Nothing mattered but helping her daughter to breathe. And so there was no hesitation, only adrenaline and inspiration and immediate response to inspiration. And as a result, she was able to revive her daughter.
It is SO EASY to waste time giving up because it appears that that which we hope and work for has failed to come together. But we all have these experiences--often life and death experiences--where our instinct and natural humility kick in and we rely completely on the Lord and dedicate ourselves completely to only one outcome. Not having her daughter Bethany as part of the family was not a possible option for Leslie. It was not in her reality. So she did anything and everything, acted on every thought until she got the outcome she needed.
When I was 19 I backpacked Eastern Europe on my own. It was an amazing experience, one I had dreamed of for years. This was in the late 90's--before paperless tickets and debit cards and for me, common sense about certain things. I was reaching the end of my trip and had ended up at a beach on the Black Sea in Romania, about 4km from the Bulgarian border. It was a tiny town without accommodations and there was one daily train. By the time I realized it was a nude beach (not exactly my cup of tea), the train had left for the day. My only option was to camp out on the beach. So I headed as far north on the beach as I could to avoid the masses of naked humanity as much as possible.  I swam a bit (in my full one-piece, something I'm not sure if those folks had ever seen before ;) ) , and then fell into my sleeping bag in a stupor of slumber. For the first time in my month and a half trip I had failed to put my money belt back on before I fell asleep.
It was a cold and uncomfortable sleep. At around 5 in the morning I had a thought come into my mind that said "Check your bag". I was cold and didn't want to pull my head out from my sleeping bag and I grumpily told myself to stop worrying and just go back to sleep. I had the same thought, this time louder. I angrily ignored it again. Finally it was a shout in my head--CHECK YOUR BAG!!! Frustrated, I pulled my sleeping bag down from my face, and lo and behold, my bag was gone. Stunned, I looked around me. Could it somehow have been caught by the surf and dragged out? Of course not. I ran up to the ridge of the hill at the top of the beach but I saw no one stirring, no sign of the bag snatchers. My bag was gone and with it my money, my airline ticket, my clothes, my camera, my journal, my passport, even my shoes. I had only what I was wearing--a bathing suit, a sweatshirt, a pair of jeans with a hole in the bottom--and my sleeping bag.
I've told this story so many times before, and with so many different emphases. Usually it is for the humor of it all, or to mention the profound reality of knowing you have nothing, absolutely nothing and recognizing in that moment your utter dependence on the Lord and the goodness of strangers.
 But this time as I thought of this story from my life, I realized something crucial about my mindset, or my reality. Yes, I was in this situation because I had not listened to the Spirit warning me to check my bag. One could also argue that my lack of planning led to the inevitability of such a thing (although my spirit of adventure might dispute that…) I had made a mistake. I had gotten myself into a rough strait. But hanging out on a nude beach in nowhere, Romania for the rest of my life was not an option. There was only one option--that was to figure out how to get back home. Now, my parents at the time were in no financial situation to send me money and buy me a plane ticket home from Romania. Plus (which I didn't know at the time) I would need someone who knew me to identify me in person at the embassy in Bucharest before I could get a new passport to travel home. And those were all considerations to be dealt with once I even figured out how to even get all the way to Bucharest. Not to mention that I had no idea where I was going to get a pair of shoes…
But again, my apparent lack of resources in no way deterred me from what I knew to be true--I was a young American citizen who despite her wanderlust belonged back home and that is exactly where she was going to go. Failure to figure out how to get that to happen was not an option. And what opened up for me were amazing people both in Romania and at home who gave me the resources I needed to make my way home.
I guess what I am trying to figure out in my current circumstances, is how do I see the life I want to live in the same black and white surety as I did the fact that I had to find my way home and that I would? What was inherent in that recognition? I knew who I was and where I belonged. I trusted completely in the Lord because my own awareness of what to do and my physical resources were non-existent. That trust motivated me to move, and to do whatever I could figure out to make my way home (begging on a nude beach, anyone? Excuse me, do you have a leu or two on you? I mean, not on you obviously--I can see that…) I also knew that even though in my mind my parents did not have the money to help me, for them it was not an option to have me wandering shoeless the streets of Bucharest. I knew they loved and valued me and would do whatever it took to get me home. No question. And the experience ended up being one of the most beautiful and meaningful of my young life. I never even took time to fear. I was guided in peace and certainty.
 I want to know with surety what I am about now, just as I knew what I was about then. If I am so clear about my life path, I will not hesitate to throw my arms into the Lord's mercy--knowing that even with my seeming lack of resources I will be inspired and led to the ideas that will show me where to go. I will also be quicker to make connections with people, trusting that they want to help me. I will also trust in the reality that the people in my life want me to succeed and that I can ask them for help. And I will know I will be led to those who have the ability to help me get where I need to go. And I will do it all with the sense of adventure and peace that I had on my Romanian Beach Adventure. This is my hope.

Directed

I've heard it said before that your mess is your message (attributed to Leslie Householder--bot sure if she said it or was repeating someone else.) Well, I don't really have any messes except for the clothes that I failed to put away and the dirty dishes that need cleaning. But every once in awhile something happens to break through my barrier of seeming togetherness. This time it was the realization that I'm holding back on my dreams, on what I am all about because of fear. I realized yesterday, in the midst of my two month unemployment spree that the difficulty here was that I know deep down that I am a director but I haven't been presenting myself that way. Amazingly everyone else seems to be able to see this. Its time I did, too. No, I may not know what exactly I am supposed to do next--but I do know that whatever these fears are inside me, I have to push through them. And so I will.

Mission

Before Steven R. Covey wrote about living a principles centered life in Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he wrote a book called The Divine Center. I thank Ms. Sarah Grainger for sharing that book with me as it's main concept has stayed with me and even now is changing the way I am choosing to live my life. The idea is that we each choose something to be at the center of our lives. It may be family, money, self, church, leisure or any other thing from which our actions, thoughts and beliefs spring. As Christ, however, is the source of truth, the source of light by which we can understand truth and the very rock of our redemption, He is the only thing/person on which we can center our lives securely. Even family and church, as human as they are, can lead us away from the source of truth if we choose to place one of them at our center.

This passing week has held incredible amounts of revelation for me. I have come to realize that my most recent career path--as an elementary school teacher--although wonderful is not in alignment with who I am and what I have come to this earth to do. I have had profound moments of remembering--wherein moments past were brought to mind. Each of these involved me giving my will over to my Father in Heaven as well as sharing with Him my desire to be an instrument in His hands, to bring His children closer to him. And time and again throughout my life I have felt impressed and desirous to do this through creating life-changing media. And so this is what I will be doing once again, and I am dedicating my full efforts to this mission of mine.

Discussions with Amelia, with my mom, with Amy and others helped me to recognize that I needed to get back into film. But it was the Genius Bootcamp workshop that I attended, hosted by Shantel McBride and created by Leslie Householder that created the space for personal revelation and the re-understanding of what I was born to do. These two women are amazing and Leslie in particular has helped me through her various programs to learn more about how to trust inspiration and to achieve our goals and dreams. As a matter of fact, I have done her Family, Time, Money, Freedom goal setting course a few times in the past few years each time with the same goal. I expected to focus on the same goal at the Genius Bootcamp and was surprised to feel pulled to another.

The goal I had been focusing on was the goal of marriage: of being and doing all I could to find my companion and start our family. What could be a more noble goal? It has been the focus of my thoughts and dreams steadily for the last few years. I want to progress and marriage is how I want to progress. I want to learn more about love and I want to create and bring beautiful babies into this world to teach and raise up in the ways of righteousness. As I have focused on this I have assumed that in fact this is what my life is about. I have had so many rich experiences that have helped fashion me into an amazing companion and mother. And now (now being every day for the last few years) it is time for me to contribute that amazing life to the creation of my own family.

As my mission to bring souls to Christ was returned to me this weekend, I realized that I have not been living a Christ-centered life. He has not been the focus of my thoughts, no matter how many times I have prayed to Him. No, this elusive family has been. Along with the strivings and the pains at not having it.

I now declare that I was not put on this earth to become a wife and a mother. My purpose is to become like my Heavenly Father. What He wants from me is my heart and my service and my passion dedicated to the building up of His kingdom. Raising a family up unto him with my wonderful husband is part of that of course, but it is not the goal and it is not the focus. It is a blessing I will in perfect time receive to help me fulfill my mission: to do the Lord's work and glory.

I admit this is all a little scary and in some ways ambiguous. But it is also incredibly exciting and liberating. I can't wait to see what the Lord has in store for me!!!

New Things

I am or have been reading the following in the last little while:
Killing Sacred Cows
7 Habits of Highly Effective People
Portal to Genius
What Color is Your Parachute
The 4-Hour Work Week
etc.
The watchword is value creation. My whole life paradigm is being shifted. It appears, as I study and learn and apply that I have in fact been living more of this ideal lifestyle than less. I have in fact been living my dreams. And each new element I am receiving and learning is unlocking more opportunity and more dreams! I live a successful life! What an amazing thing to realize!

I'm Trying (old posts)

Well, here I go again. Thoughts and things to share. I want to give this whole blogging thing a try and can't quite divorce myself from the attempts I have already made. So here is a link to the posts on the blog I created while I was in London. There aren't that many, but hey--they cover some thoughts from 2008-2009.
:)

http://anamericaninlondontown.blogspot.com/

Puzzle

I've never much been one for puzzles. Boring, besides being a waste of time. Well, I left all of my games back in NY and Judith only has a few intense ones. So when her sister Nat came over for dinner we pulled out her puzzle globe of the world. Aha! A chance to show off my geographic smarts! if there were a puzzle I'd actually be willing to do, this would be it.
We spent the better part of a few hours working away on this puzzle. Nat claimed Europe and I seemingly claimed the rest of the world. Judith pooled together pieces of Russia and China, systematically dividing up things that seemed to go together. We had a great time and by the end of the evening we had the seven continents put together as well as good sections of Indonesia and the various islands of Oceania.
Good enough for me, I figured. Impossible to figure out the oceans anyways. I looked at what we'd done and took note of how large the waters were and how little land there seemed to be.
We put aside the puzzle with plans to finish it another day.
I came back to is a few times, filling in borders, figuring out the pieces that were a little more obvious.
Last night James came over for dinner. After a yummy banoffee pie we all settled down to work on the puzzle again. By this time there were only blue pieces seemingly with no significant markings to tell them apart one from another. Some parts seemed to be most definitely missing--a part of the puzzle that clearly had words on it and no puzzle pieces remaining with words! Judith seemed excited and suggested that we put pieces together based on trade routes and longitudinal lines. I found myself feeling frustrated and annoyed--enough already. This part is so boring and I don't even think it is possible to do without looking at the numbers on the back. However, to avoid being unsocial I worked away at it with them, grumbling only ever so often.
We got quite far, and this morning I felt the overwhelming urge to finish it. As I looked at the seemingly indiscriminate pieces I became more convinced that many pieces were missing and that the puzzle was incompletable without them.
I would take the ocean pieces and try to match them up with trade routes. A few had dark blue dash line on them--signifying one of the tropics. But I would go to the few sections where the tropics weren't filled in and find that my pieces, the ones that obviously went there, didn't fit.
I was discovering, in wonder, that even though I knew where certain pieces went, they wouldn't fit. They couldn't fit until I found another piece that bordered them. Or, that pieces which obviously DIDN'T fit, once another bordering piece was placed, in fact did fit, and perfectly. Soon my excitement at placing all of these little details and moving them around until I could see where they belonged felt more rewarding even than fitting the pieces together in the beginning that felt obvious to me but were a result of my love for world cultures (the stans? the countries of Central Africa?).
It is easy and sometimes fun to figure out our lives based on past experience. Oh of COURSE I know where that piece goes, I recognize the nin as being part of the name Benin. It feels good to know that the things we have learned are still in there somewhere.
It is through these learned experiences that we build the foundation of our lives. The basis of the puzzle. From there, we start exploring. And we may find it boring or frustrating. "I have no frame of reference for this! I don't know what or where this is and I have no way of figuring it out!" "This absolutely MUST fit here, but it doesn't! This makes no sense!" "Obviously pieces have been lost, there is no way to complete this puzzle." But if we keep at it we find ourselves surprised and even at moments filled with wonder when things in fact do fit together but in ways we never would have expected. THere is the joy in those moments when a bordering piece has been figured out and you can finally place that section that you KNEW fit there, even if you couldn't figure out how.
And when you actually put it all together, and step back and look at your creation, you are amazed at the process and the outcome. Yes, everything DOES fit together, even more ingeniously than the obvious ways you would have tried to fit them together. All in the right order and in the right place.

New York I love you

Let's not discuss all of the half written entries I have in my draft box on my blog settings and just hope I get through this one...

Here is a quote that I read on the bus this evening.

There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born there, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size, its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter--the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something. Of these trembling cities the greatest is the last--the city of final destination, the city that is a goal. It is this third city that accounts for New York’s high strung disposition, its poetical deportment, its dedication to the arts, and its incomparable achievements. Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness, natives give it solidity and continuity, but the settlers give it passion. And whether it is a farmer arriving from a small town in Mississippi to escape the indignity of being observed by her neighbors, or a boy arriving from the Corn Belt with a manuscript in his suitcase and a pain in his heart, it makes no difference: each embraces New York with the intense excitement of first love, each absorbs New York with the fresh yes of an adventurer, each generates heat and light to dwarf the Consolidated Edison Company. . . .
--EB White, 1948

I get attached to things. Most of you know that my first city love was St. Petersburg. To this day it is special to me. I fell in love with Piter when I was perhaps nine or ten, writing odes to the city and cursing the unfairness of life that I couldn't be there in Russia as communism fell and the tanks filled the streets of Red Square (yes, I was eleven.)

New York has been a different kind of lover. Perhaps you could say it was my first mature relationship. I abandoned myself fully to it even as I feared it. Although I say that I moved here to pursue a career in film, I know that I moved here because I had to. I can't even remember when I first knew that I would live here, it just always seemed inevitable. The only American city that could contain my international sensibilities.

They say that being broken up with is harder than doing the leaving. I wonder about that. There is a sadness, a questioning that accompanies this otherwise exciting and joyful decision. I love New York so much. And yet I feel almost certain that I will never live here again. My truly international life begins this fall, at the cost of my New York life which I have treasured.

Living abroad in the past has been exhilarating and exciting, while also being safe. Each experience I knew was for a limited time; I even knew the extent of the time I would spend in my various ports of call. Flings, if you will (even if one lasted a year and a half :) .) It was part of the deal, the job I had signed up to do, the service I had committed to give. It was under someone else's jurisdiction. New York was never that way.

After awhile I started to believe that I would get to settle down here, I would get to be part of one of those foundational families whose kids grow up in the city, experiencing grocery shopping online and museum outings on rainy days. And in a million ways I would love to raise my family here.

But I have seen the desires of my childhood heart come to me throughout my life, and the desire to live abroad in a substantial way has never left, no matter how restfully it hibernated in my chest for five beautiful years here in Manhattan. Last spring I was lead (so completely that the miracle story deserves a posting of its own) to the grad program I had been searching for in the city I had been hoping for. And yet even then I couldn't make the commitment right away. It was nice to know I would be going, and nice to know that I still had over a year with my beloved New York.

But here I go now! London is calling and I am responding! I love London in its own way, and I hope that I never expect it to be New York.

When I leave New York it will be a completed experience. London for five years? Kazakhstan for a few? Geneva for ten? Once again I am preparing to hand myself over completely to an experience. New York, you have shown me that I can be safe in doing so. You have nurtured and taught me, loved me and challenged me. There is no place in the world like you. And yet, you are not my place. A love of my soul, but not my soul mate. Thank you for being a bosom friend to a free spirit. I know you are used to the love and used to the leaving, this is nothing new for you. But you really were the first love that I fully committed myself to, the love that aroused the passions of my grown up heart.

I thank you, and will love you forever.

(editor's note: you must know that the boy from the Corn Belt is the girl from Cornville, leaving with a manuscript on her computer and a pain in her heart.)

The most Valentines-y Valentines' ever.

President Hinkley passed away. He is now reunited with his dearest Marjorie, his eternal love forever.
Ruth Faust passed away. She now gets to be "melted" for eternity. ("Ruth Faust adored James E. Faust—everything he did and said, every act or deed or gesture melted her. He felt the same way about her, and they were 'melted.'"--Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)
In January Jared took a red-eye out to New York City from LA just to show up on Marissa's doorstep and proclaim his love for her. (His "I've-been-feeling-it-for-the-last-10-years" love for her that he could no longer suppress.) She took a flight to to CA to assess the situation. Now, she is trying to divest her unnecessary belongings before she moves out to "live in a little house and just have babies with [her] childhood bestfriend."
Corrie is convinced that Valentine's Day will be nothing special. She wants it to be, especially because this is the first year that she has had a boyfriend on Vaentine's Day(even if he lives across the country.) But Chris isn't romantic in that way, she says. I wish he would even just send me flowers.
I wish I could see her reaction when he shows up at her work today--delivering the flowers in person!!!
Sigh. I love love.


http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-love14feb14,1,7203534.story?page=1&track=rss