Puzzle

I've never much been one for puzzles. Boring, besides being a waste of time. Well, I left all of my games back in NY and Judith only has a few intense ones. So when her sister Nat came over for dinner we pulled out her puzzle globe of the world. Aha! A chance to show off my geographic smarts! if there were a puzzle I'd actually be willing to do, this would be it.
We spent the better part of a few hours working away on this puzzle. Nat claimed Europe and I seemingly claimed the rest of the world. Judith pooled together pieces of Russia and China, systematically dividing up things that seemed to go together. We had a great time and by the end of the evening we had the seven continents put together as well as good sections of Indonesia and the various islands of Oceania.
Good enough for me, I figured. Impossible to figure out the oceans anyways. I looked at what we'd done and took note of how large the waters were and how little land there seemed to be.
We put aside the puzzle with plans to finish it another day.
I came back to is a few times, filling in borders, figuring out the pieces that were a little more obvious.
Last night James came over for dinner. After a yummy banoffee pie we all settled down to work on the puzzle again. By this time there were only blue pieces seemingly with no significant markings to tell them apart one from another. Some parts seemed to be most definitely missing--a part of the puzzle that clearly had words on it and no puzzle pieces remaining with words! Judith seemed excited and suggested that we put pieces together based on trade routes and longitudinal lines. I found myself feeling frustrated and annoyed--enough already. This part is so boring and I don't even think it is possible to do without looking at the numbers on the back. However, to avoid being unsocial I worked away at it with them, grumbling only ever so often.
We got quite far, and this morning I felt the overwhelming urge to finish it. As I looked at the seemingly indiscriminate pieces I became more convinced that many pieces were missing and that the puzzle was incompletable without them.
I would take the ocean pieces and try to match them up with trade routes. A few had dark blue dash line on them--signifying one of the tropics. But I would go to the few sections where the tropics weren't filled in and find that my pieces, the ones that obviously went there, didn't fit.
I was discovering, in wonder, that even though I knew where certain pieces went, they wouldn't fit. They couldn't fit until I found another piece that bordered them. Or, that pieces which obviously DIDN'T fit, once another bordering piece was placed, in fact did fit, and perfectly. Soon my excitement at placing all of these little details and moving them around until I could see where they belonged felt more rewarding even than fitting the pieces together in the beginning that felt obvious to me but were a result of my love for world cultures (the stans? the countries of Central Africa?).
It is easy and sometimes fun to figure out our lives based on past experience. Oh of COURSE I know where that piece goes, I recognize the nin as being part of the name Benin. It feels good to know that the things we have learned are still in there somewhere.
It is through these learned experiences that we build the foundation of our lives. The basis of the puzzle. From there, we start exploring. And we may find it boring or frustrating. "I have no frame of reference for this! I don't know what or where this is and I have no way of figuring it out!" "This absolutely MUST fit here, but it doesn't! This makes no sense!" "Obviously pieces have been lost, there is no way to complete this puzzle." But if we keep at it we find ourselves surprised and even at moments filled with wonder when things in fact do fit together but in ways we never would have expected. THere is the joy in those moments when a bordering piece has been figured out and you can finally place that section that you KNEW fit there, even if you couldn't figure out how.
And when you actually put it all together, and step back and look at your creation, you are amazed at the process and the outcome. Yes, everything DOES fit together, even more ingeniously than the obvious ways you would have tried to fit them together. All in the right order and in the right place.

New York I love you

Let's not discuss all of the half written entries I have in my draft box on my blog settings and just hope I get through this one...

Here is a quote that I read on the bus this evening.

There are roughly three New Yorks. There is, first, the New York of the man or woman who was born there, who takes the city for granted and accepts its size, its turbulence as natural and inevitable. Second, there is the New York of the commuter--the city that is devoured by locusts each day and spat out each night. Third, there is New York of the person who was born somewhere else and came to New York in quest of something. Of these trembling cities the greatest is the last--the city of final destination, the city that is a goal. It is this third city that accounts for New York’s high strung disposition, its poetical deportment, its dedication to the arts, and its incomparable achievements. Commuters give the city its tidal restlessness, natives give it solidity and continuity, but the settlers give it passion. And whether it is a farmer arriving from a small town in Mississippi to escape the indignity of being observed by her neighbors, or a boy arriving from the Corn Belt with a manuscript in his suitcase and a pain in his heart, it makes no difference: each embraces New York with the intense excitement of first love, each absorbs New York with the fresh yes of an adventurer, each generates heat and light to dwarf the Consolidated Edison Company. . . .
--EB White, 1948

I get attached to things. Most of you know that my first city love was St. Petersburg. To this day it is special to me. I fell in love with Piter when I was perhaps nine or ten, writing odes to the city and cursing the unfairness of life that I couldn't be there in Russia as communism fell and the tanks filled the streets of Red Square (yes, I was eleven.)

New York has been a different kind of lover. Perhaps you could say it was my first mature relationship. I abandoned myself fully to it even as I feared it. Although I say that I moved here to pursue a career in film, I know that I moved here because I had to. I can't even remember when I first knew that I would live here, it just always seemed inevitable. The only American city that could contain my international sensibilities.

They say that being broken up with is harder than doing the leaving. I wonder about that. There is a sadness, a questioning that accompanies this otherwise exciting and joyful decision. I love New York so much. And yet I feel almost certain that I will never live here again. My truly international life begins this fall, at the cost of my New York life which I have treasured.

Living abroad in the past has been exhilarating and exciting, while also being safe. Each experience I knew was for a limited time; I even knew the extent of the time I would spend in my various ports of call. Flings, if you will (even if one lasted a year and a half :) .) It was part of the deal, the job I had signed up to do, the service I had committed to give. It was under someone else's jurisdiction. New York was never that way.

After awhile I started to believe that I would get to settle down here, I would get to be part of one of those foundational families whose kids grow up in the city, experiencing grocery shopping online and museum outings on rainy days. And in a million ways I would love to raise my family here.

But I have seen the desires of my childhood heart come to me throughout my life, and the desire to live abroad in a substantial way has never left, no matter how restfully it hibernated in my chest for five beautiful years here in Manhattan. Last spring I was lead (so completely that the miracle story deserves a posting of its own) to the grad program I had been searching for in the city I had been hoping for. And yet even then I couldn't make the commitment right away. It was nice to know I would be going, and nice to know that I still had over a year with my beloved New York.

But here I go now! London is calling and I am responding! I love London in its own way, and I hope that I never expect it to be New York.

When I leave New York it will be a completed experience. London for five years? Kazakhstan for a few? Geneva for ten? Once again I am preparing to hand myself over completely to an experience. New York, you have shown me that I can be safe in doing so. You have nurtured and taught me, loved me and challenged me. There is no place in the world like you. And yet, you are not my place. A love of my soul, but not my soul mate. Thank you for being a bosom friend to a free spirit. I know you are used to the love and used to the leaving, this is nothing new for you. But you really were the first love that I fully committed myself to, the love that aroused the passions of my grown up heart.

I thank you, and will love you forever.

(editor's note: you must know that the boy from the Corn Belt is the girl from Cornville, leaving with a manuscript on her computer and a pain in her heart.)

The most Valentines-y Valentines' ever.

President Hinkley passed away. He is now reunited with his dearest Marjorie, his eternal love forever.
Ruth Faust passed away. She now gets to be "melted" for eternity. ("Ruth Faust adored James E. Faust—everything he did and said, every act or deed or gesture melted her. He felt the same way about her, and they were 'melted.'"--Elder Jeffrey R. Holland)
In January Jared took a red-eye out to New York City from LA just to show up on Marissa's doorstep and proclaim his love for her. (His "I've-been-feeling-it-for-the-last-10-years" love for her that he could no longer suppress.) She took a flight to to CA to assess the situation. Now, she is trying to divest her unnecessary belongings before she moves out to "live in a little house and just have babies with [her] childhood bestfriend."
Corrie is convinced that Valentine's Day will be nothing special. She wants it to be, especially because this is the first year that she has had a boyfriend on Vaentine's Day(even if he lives across the country.) But Chris isn't romantic in that way, she says. I wish he would even just send me flowers.
I wish I could see her reaction when he shows up at her work today--delivering the flowers in person!!!
Sigh. I love love.


http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-love14feb14,1,7203534.story?page=1&track=rss

sharp focus

Some events bring everything into sharper focus. President Gordon B. Hinkley passed away last night, beloved prophet and president of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints.

I woke up this morning and the outline of the sky and the definition of shapes all around me seemed so much sharper. I looked at the people walking past me and wondered how they could not know. I thought of the headlines on the newspapers this morning and how none of them reflected the most important event of the day. All of this walking and bustling to work seemed so insignificant. The thing that stood out most to me were the three homeless men that I saw on my path to work this morning. Three men with needs to be met.

Yesterday at church the two foci that stood out to me were the talks in sacrament meeting about following the living prophet and the lesson in Relief Society about sharing the gospel. The two are so intensely connected. I made a half-explained comment in the lesson about how we get so overwhelmed when people ask us about the church because of the weight of responsibility we feel--and how if we could get around that feeling we might be more effective in offering and sharing what we should share. The idea behind the comment was not wrong, but I am afraid that it may have read flippant, as if I were trying to soothe us all for not always sharing the way we should.

This morning as I thought with reverence about the beauty of prophetic succession and the sure knowledge that I have that our church leaders are called of God, I felt ovewhelmed with a sense of gratitude and blessedness that my confidence and faith in the leadership of the Church need never be questioned. It is not a matter of politics. It will not be months before the next president of the church is called. We have 14 leaders; 12 apostles and two counselors who have been called of God and are all worthy to fill the roll of the head of Christ's church in our day. President Monson, as the member of the Quorum longest called, according to tradition, will become our next president. We know this and honor and love him and know that he holds the priesthood keys and authorities. If for some reason another member of the quorum were callled, we also know that as a quorum, together they hold the prophetic right and responsibility to call another prophet, that these men respond to God's call and work through the Spirit of the Lord, and that they WILL receive revelation and knowledge of who is to lead the Church.

I feel myself open and loving of spirituality in general; I work for an ecumenical organization working for the unity of Christian denominations around the globe (of which my church is not a member) and I also engage in personal study of energy systems and some new age-ish forms of spiritualism. I am grateful for the truths and Christian love and examples that I learn from these various sources. But today all I want to proclaim to the world, to everyone I see and everyone I meet is this: That the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints IS the very church the Jesus Christ, our Lord and Savior, established on the earth in the meridian of time--and that He has restored it in our day through the honored and beloved prophet Joseph Smith. While working on the inspired translation of the Book of Mormon, and following an inquiry he had regarding baptism as mentioned in the book, John the Bapist and then Peter, James and John all appeared to Joseph and gave him the priesthood as given them by Jesus Christ. Since those events the priesthood of God has been on the earth, never again to be taken away. It holds the authority of baptism and covenants; it holds the right to prophecy for the entire earth. Gordon B. Hinkley was the prophet not only for the members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saitns, but for all of humanity. God bless those who were listening.
And so today, that very weight of responsibility rests heavy on my heart. Oh if only you all knew. If only I could tell you all. We have been led by God's prophet. His good and faithful servant has returned home now to his Beloved Father and his wonderful sweetheart and eternal companion whom he has missed. In the words of every eight year old, heartfelt testimony, I know this church is True, and I love it with all of my heart.

Blessings

I'm waiting. Actively waiting, but waiting nonetheless. And sometimes waiting for blessings to come it seems as if they will never be here.
This morning I was blessed with a simple and repeat observation. My roommate Anna was looking at photos that her sister Amy recently put online of her little family. Amy has two beautiful two month old babies, a set of twins adopted by her and her husband. They are so precious, and the glowing smiles on Mom and Dad's faces are almost as lovely as the children themselves. The entire extended family has spent the last two months rejoicing in these bright little babies; they are a part of the family as if they always have been.
In looking at these pictures and sharing in the feelings of joy, I found myself remembering the years leading up to this day. I remembered how much Amy and her husband Kelly had longed to start their family; how many treatments and options they had gone through in an effort to get pregnant. I remembered how the entire family would fast together and pray repeatedly for them to have these worthy and important blessings in their lives. I remembered their decision to try for adoption and the different difficulties and hopings inherent in that. Mostly I remembered the longing throughout her family for Amy to have this blessing that she yearned for above all else. I have never even spoken with Amy about it, but I have even felt it myself--and joined in the fasting for this little family to be blessed with children.
And here, finally, 2-3 years later, they have two beautiful children. It is as if the longing is completely forgotten in the joy of the current reality.
As I looked at the pictures of these babies; I couldn't help but wonder how it would feel when that which I yearn for comes into my life. I imagine that the joy and the matter-of-fact-ed-ness of the situation will completely overshadow the longing I once felt. It will feel as if I have always had it, as if I was never without it. I may remember, but the pain won't be real to me anymore. And so it is with blessings. When we finally, finally get them, our fullness of joy in the receiving will be all that we know.
A good thing to remember in the waiting.

evidence

"Now, faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen."
Hebrews 11:1 (kjv)

Faith...is the evidence of things unseen. The evidence of things unseen is faith.

OK, what is this saying? That things we do not or cannot see, things unseen still have an evidence of their existence. The evidence of that existence is faith. "All true faith must be based upon correct knowledge or it cannot produce the correct results." (LDS Bible Dictionary)
So, when we have faith in a true principle or event, the existence of that faith in our hearts is the evidence that the principle or idea is good! Truth nurtured in the heart breeds faith. Feeling (true) faith about something (true) evidences to us that the thing is true and real.
This is a realization that can help us to not cast out the seed. If we feel the faith, (I would classify this as a feeling of confidence, assurance, hope, peace, humility, joy and anything else that can be understood as a fruit of the spirit) take that as evidence that it is true! Don't cast it out because ye see not! Faith isn't the evidence of things seen, it is the evidence of things unseen. That is why it no longer becomes faith when we see it--it then becomes knowledge. (So, is knowledge that follows faith the evidence of things seen?)

Alma chapter 32 in the Book of Mormon seems to hold two different discourses: one on humility and one on faith. On closer examination though, the discourse on humility is the lead in to the discussion on faith.
verse 16-17
"Therefore, blessed are they who humble themselves without being compelled to be humble; or rather, in other words, blessed is he that believeth in the word of God, and is baptized without stubbornness of heart, yea, without being brought to know the word, before they will believe.
Yea, there are many who do say: If thou wilt show unto us a sign from heaven, then we shall know of a surety; then we shall believe."

Showing a sign before there is belief would be a great disservice to the asking individual. It would undermine the quest for faith-building because the sign would already be seen, there would be no need for an evidence of unseen things. Humility is requisite in the process of faith--pride requires visible evidence to quench our need for knowledge and something physical to back up that knowledge. Humility creates an open space in the heart to believe the word as it is said or felt, to believe something that gives no immediate reward of a visible sign.

v. 18
"Now I ask, is this faith? Behold I say unto you, nay; for if a man knoweth a thing he hath no cause to believe, for he knoweth it."

v. 28
"Now we will compare the word unto a seed."

Faith is not the seed, the seed is the word, or that which God reveals to you or through the prophets. That which is testified of by the Spirit. Faith is the planting of the seed and it feeds the seed into growth and eventual sprouting. As it grows so does your faith, because greater evidences of unseen things are touching your heart.

The seed causes a swellling in your soul, your mind begins to expand. You experience light. These are all evidences that have now brought knowledge--perfect knowledge in that thing. Now, you can have perfect knowledge in that thing, in the word, in the seed. But still it is only a seed. You have planted it to know if it was good, if it would grow and be a worthy thing to continue focusing your faith upon. But the knowledge is only in the seed, you've not yet allowed the tree to grow.
This explains what seemed to be a dichotomy to me earlier:
"now, behold, is your knowledge perfect? Yea, your knowledge is perfect in that thing." and then one verse later: "Behold, after ye have tasted of this light is your knowledge perfect? Behold I say unto you, nay; neither must you lay aside your faith for ye have only exercized your faith to plant the seed that ye might try the experiment to know if the seed was good. And behold, as the tree beginneth to grow, ye will say: Let us nourish it with great care, that it may get root, that it may grow up, and bring fruit unto us."

Your perfect knowledge in the goodness of the seed does not rule out your personal responsibility to nourish it to adulthood. We can know that a thing is good, but this is the part where we decide if it is worth it to us to do whatever work necessary to nourish the good seed and let it grow, bloom and bless us with delicious fruit to sustain us.

Why is faith so important if we can just know, if God can just show us? Why is it a needed quality in his disciples? Obviously this question has many answers. Here is one I thought of:

31: And now, behold, are ye sure that that this is a good seed? I say unto you, yea; for every seed bringeth forth its own likeness.

I think true faith engages us in the process of creation. In some cases of faith we are asked to believe something that is shared with us from another; often a gospel message shared by prophets. In other cases, we are asked to search the desires of our hearts, find the good things and ask for them to be manifested in our lives. We exercize faith that the thing we have asked for is good, and as the seed begins to grow we receive greater light about it. As pointed out in the above scripture, every seed bringeth forth its own likeness. The blueprint of what the desire holds is in that spiritual seed. We plant that seed, exercize faith, and then contine to believe
as we nourish it and see the spiritual seed manifest itself in the physical realm eventually growing up into a tree. WE can from each point determine how much we want to do to help that tree grow. The seed may have been good, the Lord may have blessed it through his spirit, but it is our faith (through the enabling power of the Atonement) that will determine if it will grow into full fruit bearing maturity. We have great power in creating our lives. He wants us to take hold of it.

Meredith Monk

Heard of marilyn Monk? mari-mayde-meredith Monk
the lady with vocal vituals partical- ularly
and faces that move oov oov oov oov oop
with popsicle sounds
shimmery shimmery shimmery

docushmockulockudocumentary
mac-a -lac-a-lac-a-lac
finally inaly cut like a pro
in a box
with my sock randomanimal.

to move the way her sounds sounding
tiglytigly on my laptop
only fingers particularly dancing
par-tic-u-lar meredith
mushing mushing

sounds for the sound of sounds